I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
