I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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