You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
