So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
