She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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