In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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