My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize