Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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