do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I am naked and annoyed.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
