I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
