Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
