I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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