Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
