why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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