come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize