She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
