I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
