What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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