I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
