I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
