She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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