we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
