So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
