she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
