I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
