It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
