oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
