worst night to have a conscience
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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