I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
it hurts more in the daytime
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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