I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
