onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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