i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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