My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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