Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
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At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
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I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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