I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
