I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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