I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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