apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
