I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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