also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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