the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
