just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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