I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
it's like iHOP with fire
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
