Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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