Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
