Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
