Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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