Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
