i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
