Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
