I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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