It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
