you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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