we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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