I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
