Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
