May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
