Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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